How to Be Your Own Best Friend

While friends come and go, our relationship with ourselves never ends. We can learn a lot about how to be our own best friend and kind to ourselves by paying attention to what we appreciate about our other relationships and true friends.

In my work with groups and clients, I’ve seen that self-compassion not only gives us the confidence to make our creative dreams come true, it also helps us experience the flow state more often. For highly creative people, being kind to ourselves and knowing we can count on ourselves during tough times can play a key role in getting life to flow.

Our relationships with ourselves aren’t that different than our relationships with others. Here are seven ways to be our own best friend and boost self-kindness, especially during tough times. Here’s a guide to taking care of yourself, starting with giving yourself what you really need.

#1: Be loyal to yourself

If someone is talking negatively about us behind our backs, a true friend sticks up for us. She is there for us even when it’s not easy to do so. She believes in us. She’s got our back. Through thick and thin, a true friend doesn’t abandon us.

Questions to Help You Be Your Own Best Friend

• How am I loyal to myself?
• Do I stand by my personal beliefs, dreams and convictions, even when it is difficult to do so?
• What is one way I have abandoned myself in some way?
• What can I do about it?

Choose a New Self-Kindness Habit

Choose one way that you have abandoned yourself or your beliefs. Perhaps you haven’t stood up for yourself when someone has criticized you. Maybe you have buried your own truth, or stopped doing an activity that means a lot to you to accommodate others.

Maybe you are spending time in some area of your life in a way that is not aligned with your values and who you really are.

It takes courage to take an honest inventory of our actions. Choose one area where you are acting in a way that is incongruent with your truth or values, or what is in your best interest. Commit to making a small change to this area of your life.

#2: A true friend listens and pays attention

When one of my best friends is in the room, it is almost like we are connected even when we are not.

I remember being at my father’s funeral. The room was packed solid with people afterward, many whom I hadn’t seen in decades.What brought me great comfort was the speckling of true friends dispersed throughout the room. I knew they were tuned into me, watching, knowing what I might need without me having to ask.

One brought me a cup of water just when I needed it and lifted a heavy bag off my shoulder. Another sat on the floor with a pile of coloring books she had brought, without being asked, for our three year-old daughter. Still another just watched from the other side of the room, waiting until the crowds dispersed to say hello.

A true friend really listens when we speak, and when we are not speaking, is still listening. We have the feeling that what we are saying is of top priority to them.

Questions to Help You Be Your Own Best Friend

• How am I listening to myself?
• What is my truth in this moment?
• What do I need?
• How could I improve the way in which I really hear myself?

Choose a New Self-Kindness Habit

Practice asking yourself throughout the day, “What is my truth?” Perhaps make it a habit before going to sleep at night, or upon awakening first thing in the morning to journal, meditate or simply ask yourself, “What do I most need today?”

#3 A true friend sees the best in us

A true friend knows we are not perfect. Even so, she sees and focuses on the best in us rather than the worst.

As a result, when things get tough and we make mistakes, as we all do, she is often the first person we turn to. With a true friend, we can be vulnerable.

In most friendships, there are times when things go haywire. We have a falling out, or make a blunder.

True friendships are the ones that weather through those hiccups because of the deep compassion, and true seeing and understanding that are their foundation. Self-compassion is a key factor when it comes to being our own best selves. Just like talking with an accepting friend can help us prevent or manage depression, studies show that online exercises in self-compassion can also help prevent depression.

True friends value the connection and commitment, and are willing to do their part to remedy rifts and forgive. Perhaps not right away, but over time. A true friend doesn’t expect perfection. She expects authenticity.

Questions to Help You Be Your Own Best Friend

• Are there any ways in which I am seeing myself the way a first acquaintance or critic would instead of a true friend?
• What is lovable about me? What might a true friend see?
• Is there anything I haven’t forgiven myself for, or that I have been beating myself up for that is long passed?
• Is there any way I haven’t treated myself well, or haven’t prioritized the health of my relationship with myself?
• What would a true friend do?

Questions to Choose a New Self-Kindness Habit

What Would a True Friend See?

• Make two columns on a piece of paper.
• On the left, write a list of all the qualities you see in yourself, good and bad.
• On the right column, write all the things about you that are truly lovable. Imagine what someone who adores you and considers you as their best friend might see.
• Now rip off the left side and shred it or throw it away.
• Keep the list on the right and choose instead to see yourself the way a true friend does.

Make Amends to Yourself & Forgive

• Make a list of anything you haven’t truly forgiven yourself for. True friends let go of things once they have been apologized for and amended. Sometimes it takes time, but true friendships don’t remain true unless at some point, amends are made and forgiveness offered.
• Ask yourself what you need to do to let these things go. Is there anything you need to change to make these things “right”? Are there any new commitments you need to make? Do you need to apologize to yourself or get support in feeling your pain to come to a place of peace?
• Next, get rid of the list in a way that symbolizes healing the rift in your relationship with yourself. Perhaps burn it, shred it, rip it up in little pieces. As you do, set the intention to let go of the influence anything on the list is having on your peace of mind.

Be a true friend to yourself. Make amends, forgive, let it go. 

#4 A true friend respects our boundaries 

When we tell our friend a secret, we expect it won’t go any further. When she makes a commitment to us, we know she will do her very best to keep it.

When we say no or need space, a true friend respects what we need, even if she doesn’t always understand it.

New relationships can be tricky, as new friends do the dance of trying to figure out where each others’ boundaries lie. A huge hug upon greeting is okay with some, but not others. Frequent calls or pop-over visits may be welcome by one friend, where another likes more distance.

When we try to assert our boundaries onto another person without respect for what is right for them, we may be in relationship, but not in true friendship.

Without honest communication about and understanding of each other’s personal rules for living, there is no trust. Without trust, a relationship can only go so far. Depth comes from giving and receiving respect, and feeling safe.

Questions to Help You Be Your Own Best Friend

• Do I respect my own limits?
• Do I say no when I need to?
• Do I “over-do” in any way? (Perhaps by overworking, not getting enough sleep, care-taking others at the expense of your own well-being, or over-consuming like overeating, using drugs or alcohol or overspending?)
• What is one way I have not been respecting my own personal boundaries, and what can I do about it?

Choose a New Self-Kindness Habit

• Make a list of your own personal rules for living. We all have them, even if they are unconscious. How healthy are your rules? Are there any that need to be changed?
• What personal rules or boundaries could you put in place that would help you to feel more safe in your life?
• Choose one that you have been neglecting and make a pact with yourself to strive to respect yourself and what you need in a new way.

#5 A true friend communicates

We all get busy and fall out of touch with those we are close to, sometimes even when we live in the same house. Life has ebbs and flows and so do relationships.

What makes some friendships work well and causes others to sizzle is often our ability to communicate. If we don’t reach out, send a text, pick up the phone or make an effort, over time, a friendship becomes less relevant.

A friendship can’t do what it does best—support us—without effective communication.

There are two things that underpin communication. One is commitment, willingness to do the work it takes to stay in touch and connect.

The other is courage. Communication requires letting the other person see us.

When we are going through a tough time, or aren’t sure of our own truth, we may communicate with our friends or loved ones less until we figure it out.

The real danger comes not in those lapses, but when we forget to loop back after being away for a while. It takes courage to pick up the phone and say hi because the other person might not be available, or might not want to talk in that moment.

Each and every time we communicate with a loved one, we risk being rejected, or not being supported in the way we most need at that moment. Yet friendships don’t last if we don’t reach out, check in and share.

How well two people communicate—with or without words—determines how strong the relationship is, and how well it endures transitions and distance.

Questions to Help You Be Your Own Best Friend

• How am I—really? What is my truest self trying to tell me?
• What is really going on with me? Is there anything I am currently ashamed of? Scared about? Grieving? A truth I am avoiding?
• Is my inner voice the voice of a friend, acquaintance or bully?

Choose a New Self-Kindness Habit

Write your truth in a journal or record a voice memo on your phone. Share what is going on for you, then listen to it. Pay attention to your voice. Is it sad, filled with emotion, angry, critical? Just listen without trying to change or make anything right or wrong.

#6 A true friend gives, receives and is grateful

 Relationships are like a dance. They require some balance of give and take.

When we are going through tough times in our lives, sometimes we ask for more than we have to give.

Other times, when we are in a strong position and our friend is going through a crisis, we step forward and carry more than our share.

Unlike the relationship between family members or marital partners, with a friendship, there are no formal societal, cultural or contractual guidelines dictating what we are “supposed” to do.

As a result, we often appreciate support from a friend more because of the belief that a friend doesn’t “have to” be there.

True friendships go through ebbs and flows but over time there is usually a sense of balance. Each person is willing to be vulnerable and ask for help when he or she needs it.

Each person is willing to reach out, to extend beyond the confines of his or her own world, and take the time out to offer gifts to the other.

While some friendships may be marked by a sense of playful competition, underneath it all, both friends are on the same side. They want the best for the other. There is an understanding that each will help the other, and an openness to accept what the other is offering.

The act of being willing to receive help, support, love, caring and another person’s gifts is as important as being willing to offer help, support, caring, and our gifts to someone else.

When we don’t feel fully appreciated, needed or respected, or don’t fully appreciate, need or respect what another person is offering us, our relationship suffers.

Sometimes friendships need to be renegotiated or redefined so that they feel healthy and safe for both people.

Questions to Help You Be Your Own Best Friend

• Do I truly appreciate my own gifts?
• Do I support myself the way a good friend would?
• How am I caring for myself physically, emotionally and spiritually?
• Do I feel in a state of need, or do I also act as a benevolent provider to myself, and find ways to fill up when I am empty?

Choose a New Self-Kindness Habit

Make a list of all of the personal gifts you have ever used to help others (generosity, listening, caring, making someone laugh, researching, looking for something, finding a solution). Now make a list of any areas of your life where you are suffering in any way. How can you use your gifts to help yourself?

#7 A friend is fun

Often our friendships are based on how much we enjoy being around the other person. We can have friendships to fill many different needs in our lives. One friend might be a great sounding board, another might be great to go rollerblading with.

No matter what role a friend plays in our lives, underneath the relationship is usually a true desire to be together. We have friends in our lives because we enjoy their company.

Friendships continue not because of a need, but because of a desire. We genuinely like our true friends. Maybe they make us laugh or in some way, lighten the load that life can sometimes bring. After time spent with a true friend, we often feel happy and uplifted.

Friends are like happy little islands in the sea of life. We stop off, share a story, have a good time, give each other a hug, then go on our merry way.

Questions to Help You Be Your Own Best Friend

• Do I truly enjoy my own company?
• What activities do I love to do?
• What makes me happy?
• What makes me laugh?
• How can I help myself experience more joy?

Choose a New Self-Kindness Habit

Today, try doing making time for something that you truly love to do. It doesn’t have to make sense, be productive, or benefit you in any way other than just because you love to do it.

When we treat ourselves as a true friend, everything in life improves including our relationships with other true friends.

“Our true nature is not some deal that we have to live up to. It’s who we are right now, and that’s what we can make friends with and celebrate.”

~Pema Chodron

Sources:

Shapira, L. B., & Mongrain, M. (2010). The benefits of self-compassion and optimism exercises for individuals vulnerable to depression. The Journal of Positive Psychology, 5(5), 377–389. https://doi.org/10.1080/17439760.2010.516763